2 Fundamentals to Help You Win Beyond Work
Is work-life balance even possible?
It’s a question I hear repeatedly in my work with high-performance leaders. Perhaps it’s the wrong question? The reality is, there is no such thing as balance considering, if you exclude sleep, most people spend way more time at work than they do at home. I once heard balance defined as learning to live in the center of the tension. The fact is, there will always be tension between work and home. The key is to be at home when you’re at home.
As a speaker, I spend most of my time helping organizations and teams chase radical results through the workshops on leadership, talent, engagement, culture, and execution that we first developed for Chick-fil-A. But after thousands of conversations with executives around the world, one thing has become crystal clear: The goal is not to build a great business and forfeit your family.
Said another way,
If you win at work and lose at home, you still lose.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a blueprint for building a great home life? Years ago, blueprints became important to me when, one night, my wife Laura said, “I want to build a house.”
Confused, I assumed my reply was logical. “We have a house.”
“I know, but I want another house,” she pressed.
“Why do we need two?”
“We don’t. I don’t want this house anymore. I want a different house.”
I said, “Okay, but if you’re leaving me, I’m going with you!”
Thankfully, she wasn’t leaving us. I say us because our crew had grown to six. The thought of being left alone with four daughters under the age of six was terrifying, so I was honestly willing to agree to anything.
In fairness to my wife, we were running out of room in our current home. With the arrival of daughter number four, one bathroom for the Gravitt girls to share was not going to work long-term. Thankfully, Laura not only had a vision of what she wanted us to build, she also had a picture. Literally, the woman had gone to an office supply store, bought graph paper, and unleashed her inner HGTV.
Unbeknownst to me, she had spent her spare time doodling and drawing for several months. And those doodles became the blueprint she laid in front of me with every little square on the paper representing a square foot of where we would soon live.
More than 20 years have passed since we made the move, and I must admit she may have missed her calling as an architect. The home served our family well as a place to live, laugh, and love together. Thankfully, she could see something I couldn’t see: We needed more bathrooms!
Unfortunately, too many families are winging it when it comes to winning at home, hoping things will improve or wishing things would change. They don’t have a picture of the family they are trying to build. May I remind you that hope is not a strategy. It doesn’t work in business, and it won’t work at home. Please don’t gamble the future of your family on a “maybe.”
Thankfully, there are fundamentals to serve as the foundation of your blueprint and help you build the family you want. We all appreciate the importance of fundamentals in other walks of life. Football teams work on blocking and tackling; musicians embrace practicing chords and scales; and money grows when we understand budgeting and saving. But what are the fundamentals at home? Let’s consider two.
Fundamental 1: Love first.
How amazing would it be if the people who knew you the best loved you the most? Sadly, I meet many leaders who say the people who know them the best, respect them the least. Maybe it’s because we think love is only a noun, something we say out of obligation when we ‘feel’ like it. You really don’t fall in love. You fall in a hole. Real love is a verb. It must be demonstrated to be fully appreciated.
Three ways to love first:
1. BE THERE WHEN YOU’RE THERE.
Proximity does not ensure intimacy. There are scores of couples who live together for decades without really being together. Likewise, if you visit any restaurant, you will see families gathered around a table, in the same place, but not on the same page… Mom and Dad tethered to technology checking missed calls and messages, while kids scroll social media and try to conquer the next level of the latest video game. Technology does have benefits, but I’m afraid it mostly wrecks our ability to connect. The distraction is real. Unplug and detach from your tech so you can be there when you’re there.
2. LOWER THE EXPECTATIONS.
As a young dad, I often caught myself expecting my kids to think like I thought. Have you forgotten that kids should act like kids and children are supposed to be childish? When did childhood stop being fun? Maybe it was when adults started treating kids like grownups. It is so easy to make a big deal out of small things and even hold your kids to a higher standard than you hold yourself to. Lofty expectations pave the way to broken relationships. If you truly want to connect with your spouse and kids, love them enough to lower your expectations.
3. CHANGE YOUR TONE.
On more than one occasion, my wife has reminded me that saying something louder doesn’t make me more right. Hello! Can anyone else relate? I learned years ago, it’s more important to be right with others than to be right. The way we talk to each other communicates whether we want to be right with our family members or not, and this is not just a spouse thing. Many parents struggle with being too harsh with their kids. I once read, “You’re never persuasive when you’re abrasive.” A gentle answer really does turn away wrath. Trying to make your point only makes you harder to love. Commit to saying the right thing in the right way and watch what happens… the people who know you the best will love you the most – and they might even like you a little more!
Fundamental 2: Live last.
Living last is about sacrifice. Honestly, sacrifice is really hard for me. How about you? I’m guessing I’m not the only one who loves me some me.
The year I turned 12 years old, aluminum baseball bats made their way to our small town, and I received one for Christmas. I was preparing for my last year of Little League, and I was fired up. Small in stature at the time, I needed all the help I could get.
This would be the year I would finally hit some home runs with my new aluminum cheat code. My dad had a different idea.
That spring, he taught me how to bunt. I thought he had lost his mind when he explained, “When your teammates get on base, and you come up to bat, you are going to square around and bunt the ball out in front of home plate. You’ll most likely make an out, but it will help them move to the next base. They can then score when the next guy gets a hit.” I thought he was nuts!
Looking back, we scored a bunch of runs and won a championship that year. But the truth was, my dad wasn’t trying to win a trophy. It turns out, he wasn’t nuts after all. He was just trying to teach me about the power and importance of living last. He knew there would come a time when I would grow up and have my own family, and that I needed to understand how to sacrifice so others could win. I would be given the opportunity to bunt through bedtime stories, carpool lines, tuition payments, and learning how to be a girl dad. For me, the golf clubs even went in the closet for 25 years.
How about you? Have you learned how to bunt? Sacrifice really will cost you something. But I can tell you from experience, the gains outweigh the costs, and I’m guessing you will have no regrets when your “home team” is winning.
Consider the following ways to live last:
1. GO SLOW.
I recently talked to a woman who said her husband walks off and leaves her when they are supposed to be walking together. It was a reminder that we can all be guilty of going at our own speed. Perhaps some of us need to slow down, while others need to speed up. Leaders often tell me, “It is lonely at the top.” Let me remind you, it is only lonely at the top if you go to the top by yourself. The goal is not to get to the top. The goal is to get to the top together. Love goes at the pace of the slowest one. If you need practice, go hang out with a toddler, or your spouse, for that matter. Young or old, sacrifice is more endearing than speed.
2. GIVE YOUR KIDS THE HOME-FIELD ADVANTAGE.
In baseball, the home team bats last, and typically has more fans in the stands. When you are parenting, what would happen if you listened more and literally gave your kids the last at bat (the last word)? And how would things be different if they knew you were their biggest fan? The home-field advantage is about seeing every situation through the eyes of the other person. The Bible says we should “[i]n humility, consider others as more important than ourselves (Phillipians 2:3)…” Such behavior is a recipe for connection in a home. What is it like to be loved by you? Make a decision to give others the home field advantage and you will soon be the MVP (Most Value-adding Player)!
3. THINK LIKE AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN.
Quick, name a football player. When I have asked this question in speaking events, no one has ever shouted out the name of the left guard for the Detroit Lions or the right tackle for the Auburn Tigers, or any lineman, for that matter. Quarterbacks typically come to mind first. The world loves quarterbacks because they are usually rich and famous, but every good coach will tell you that if you can’t block the other team, you can’t beat the other team.
Games are won and lost because of offensive linemen. Offensive linemen show up every day, knowing they will never have notoriety. And yet, they still get taped up and padded up, and go out on the field and open up holes so other people can score. Can you say, “Live last?” If you really want to be a winner at home, focus on helping the people around you score. You may think, I don’t know where to start. Keep it simple. See a need and meet a need. Offer an encouraging word. Help with homework. Pitch in on a household chore. Listen when others are struggling. And ask often, how can I serve you today?
If you really want to be a live last leader, race to the back of the line and serve. How will you know if your commitment to living last is working? Everyone in your family will be in front of you!
The thing with fundamentals is they really must be practiced to be mastered, and even then, they are never really mastered. There will always be progress to be made.
Families that last, aren’t built fast, but they are built. I’m confident that if you will build your family with loving first and living last at the center of your blueprint, home really can become your favorite place.
I hope you win at work. But never forget, winning begins at home!
When you think of success, what comes to mind? Career, public achievements, diplomas, degrees, bank account balance?
We work hard to find a job, gain promotions, and develop skills to become a peak performer. If you’re like most people, we’re continually striving to win at work. Winning Begins At Home, the new book from Randy Gravitt, explores what it takes to win where it matters most—at home. Part story, part assessment and workbook, this book will lead you through exercises, writing prompts, and action steps that will help you create a blueprint for the family you want. Just as you’ve crafted a plan for professional growth, it’s time to prioritize winning at home. Get your copy from the Maxwell Leadership store today to find out why John Maxwell calls it “book is a blueprint to building a great family.”
About the author
Randy Gravitt is a best-selling author, speaker, and executive coach who helps leaders unlock their full potential. As the CEO of Lead Every Day, he works with high-performance leaders, organizations, and teams around the world. He co-hosts the Lead Every Day Show and is the author of multiple books, including his latest, Winning Begins at Home. For more information, visit https://leadeveryday.com/.
