If I Had to Start Over, Here’s What I’d Do Differently: Deliver the Hard Truth with Kindness

A lot of people shy away from confrontation and difficult conversations, myself included! We can have a tendency to fear tension, not realizing tension can be good if handled in the right way.

Hard conversations are something all of us have to learn to do with grace and skill as leaders, and the earlier in our careers we develop that skill, the more effective our leadership will be. If I was starting over in leadership today, I’d make sure to do these five things to make delivering hard truths with kindness easier on both me and the colleague I’m speaking to.

5 Ways to Diffuse Difficult Conversations

1. RECOGNIZE MY NATURAL LEADERSHIP LEVEL.

John Maxwell’s 5 levels of leadership outline the life cycle of any leadership journey. Which level do you have a natural bent toward? You may naturally gravitate toward a level two, which is connection and highly relational. This automatically might make harder conversations difficult for you, so you need to tackle it with great courage. Or you might be a three, which makes it a little too easy to have hard conversations, so you need to tackle it with more empathy and grace. Knowing where you’re starting from will help you find the tools to make the conversation happen.

2. DO IT IN REAL TIME.

Saving a hard conversation for an annual review loses both time and momentum for everyone. Regular dialogue about expectations and desired outcomes keeps these conversations shorter, clearer, and more effective.

3. BE CLEAR.

I’ve heard this called using “a velvet-covered brick.” We have to be extremely clear in our communication, because clarity is kind. Clarity not only eliminates confusion for the recipient, but it also keeps us as communicators from fumbling around for words.

4. VALUE CONNECTION OVER CONTENT.

Care and candor work hand in hand when it comes to delivering kind, hard truth. Have you done the hard work of building connections with them? Or are you distanced from them? Receiving difficult messages from people, in my past and from leaders, is always easier when it’s from someone I feel connected to on a personal level. It’s easier when it comes from someone that cares for you versus just someone that’s just your boss.

5. “NEVER CUT WHAT YOU CAN UNTIE.”

I saw that quote in an article, and it stopped me in my tracks and is so perfect for this topic. There are so many times as leaders we can get so frustrated with a person or circumstance, that our natural inclination may be to just cut it (or them!) out completely. But as leaders, we need to look for ways to gently unwrap the chaos and confusion so the entire situation can be re-tied and made even better and stronger.

Undoubtedly, if you haven’t yet had to have a hard conversation, you will in the future. Be determined to get really good at this now, and watch how it helps you reach a new level of leadership.

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