The Expectations Detox: 1 Shift to Help You Work More Effectively With (Nearly) Anyone

In his new data-driven book How to Work with Complicated People, speaker and bestselling author Ryan Leak shares powerful collaboration strategies so that you can work effectively with nearly anyone. This blog post has been adapted from chapter 3. You can pre-order your copy here.

One time when I was talking with a client, they kept saying, “Well, hopefully my boss will change.”

I replied, a little bit incredulously, “Why would that happen? What evidence do you have that makes you believe they are going to change when they don’t think they need to?”

The person just stared at me at first, then smiled. It was a sad smile. He and I both knew the boss in question wasn’t even trying to change. Rather than wasting time and energy on wishful thinking, this person needed to put the onus back on himself in this less-than-ideal situation.

We have to stop expecting people to change when they aren’t even trying to change. If someone is on a trajectory of self-improvement, there will be signs. They’ll send signals. They’ll pay for coaching, a gym membership, a conference, therapy, or professional development. They’ll read books or listen to podcasts. They’ll ask questions. They’ll actively leverage resources to grow.

A lot of people won’t do that, though, because they think, “I’m good. Everyone else is the problem.” Don’t mope around waiting for someone like that to change or meet your standards. You have higher standards for them than they do for themselves.

You know what can change?

Your expectations.

Your Expectations Shape Your Reality

Realistic expectations are key to any experience. Don’t expect the impossible and then act shocked if you don’t get it.

When it comes to dealing with people (all people, but especially certain ones), I cannot emphasize strongly enough the importance of setting the right expectations. That means assuming that some people will be reasonably or even unreasonably complicated.

I often do this when I’m about to have a phone call or meeting. I’ll remind myself, This probably won’t be easy or smooth. They probably won’t agree with me on everything. There might be some misunderstandings we’ll have to work through. But it’s okay if it’s complicated. We’ll just figure it out. It’s a healthy habit because it keeps me from linking my definition of a “successful” call or meeting to happy feelings or good vibes.

Something can be awkward and still be awesome. It can be messy and still be productive. As a matter of fact, it’s usually all of those things at once.

Whenever you’re interacting with another human, whether it’s face-to-face, in a meeting, via email, or on a video call, stop expecting that it will be easy, that they’ll see things your way, or that they will use only nice words and happy emojis. Don’t let someone arrive at “complicated” in your mind just because you expected them to be simple and they turned out to be human, or because you were in a hurry for a quick resolution but they brought up an objection to your idea, or because you assumed their response time would be the same as yours but they had other priorities.

In particular, stop surrendering your emotional stability to people who fail to live up to expectations you failed to communicate. Putting unspoken expectations on coworkers is like holding them to a secret contract they never signed. If you make your expectations the final arbiter of what is good and what is bad, who is easy and who is complicated, you’ve given your imagination way too much power—especially if you’ve never even taken the time to put those fuzzy, subjective inner standards into words before.

Author Donald Miller writes, “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” Some of us need to take a little pressure off and just allow the people around us to be themselves. (And some of them need to do the same for us… but that’s on them.)

Whenever you find yourself dealing with a complicated person, put yourself through a quick expectations detox, a reset, and make sure you’re expecting the right things.

IF THEY ARE THIRTY YEARS OLDER THAN YOU…

…is it reasonable to assume they’ll grasp technology as quickly as you?

IF THIS IS THEIR FIRST JOB OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND THEY’VE NEVER WORKED FULL TIME…

…is it logical to demand that they match your work ethic and knowledge level from day one?

IF THEY’RE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE…

…is it even humanly possible for them to be emotionally balanced every moment of every day?

Having reasonable expectations is a protective measure for you. When you don’t align your expectations with reality, you set yourself up for frustration and even offense. That’s not fair to you or to them. Plus, if you hang your workplace satisfaction on whether other people make your life difficult or not, you’re going to be very unhappy. You’ll spend too much time and emotional energy focusing on how many times Boomer Bob or Millennial Madison got under your skin and on your nerves today.

So—and I say this kindly—get thicker skin. Get less-irritable nerves. Remember that most of them, most of the time, are just trying to survive too, so they probably aren’t going to be too focused on your pet peeves or hurt feelings. That doesn’t make them bad; it makes them human. Just like you.

Ready to master the skill of collaboration?

Ryan Leak’s How to Work with Complicated People prepares you to build bridges with almost anyone – even the most picky, prickly, problematic people in your workplace. Discover how to…

• Detox from unrealistic expectations and get comfortable with complicated
• Communicate effectively in complex environments
• Embrace healthy disagreement as a tool to discover better solutions
• See challenging individuals as human beings to understand rather than problems to solve
• Set boundaries that let people into your world without letting them run your world

Pre-order your copy here today and prepare to revolutionize your workplace relationships!